My Dad and Lucha
My dad was always in love, he
embraced life as if everyday may have been the last. As a lover, friend, comrade I’m sure he made
a grand partner but as a husband and father his wild and carefree spirit lacked
grounding.
My father, I’m sure felt too much of
life deeply and as sentimental as any Mexican novella. My father loved music,
he danced, sang, played music and drank with a fervor and passion. What stands
out most is Lucha Villas record by the player.
Lucha Villa in a seductive pose, a black blanket covering bare breasts
and little else, her sultry dark hair, smoky eyes as if intoxicated from
singing her love songs. And this is how I remember my father liking his
women. Half dressed, sultry and ready
for a romp. Children, rent, car repairs,
and an eight month pregnant wife did not fit his whims, his need to escape the
life in his lap, the daughters begging him to stay. He couldn’t.
He needed Lucha Villa the way a man needs air to live. And I held on to
him in every way until I was dragged and bloody, all but dead, then I let go.
I don’t know when the letting go
happened. Perhaps it was the pain of seeing my own children holding on to their
own father and holding on to me. And I let go and I was free. I no longer
needed to chase Lucha out of their heart, his thoughts. One day I woke up and
knew I was done with Lucha, she’d run her course, and I sang her songs of love
and heartbreak. I let out a grito and off I went into my sunset, to live
finally free of sultry smokey eyes, and bare breasts, and longing for what I
thought she had that I didn’t. And wasn’t my love enough. And when I accepted the flawed parts of my
father, my husband, myself, I faced the darkest parts of my soul. I no longer wanted to be Lucha, I was happy
finally to be me. I knew he missed us
when he left us for Lucha and he cursed the day, the loss, more so than we did.
And how lonely he felt after the Lucha Villas left and he was all alone in his
old age and begging for a meal at our table once again. And we forgave him. And
when we forgave we were free.
